Today is the day

The song, "Today is the day" keeps running thru my head tonight. I cant sleep, tossing and turning in bed. Feeling lots of emotions tonight, Maybe its the thought that my child was in town and did not make an effort to come see me in hopes of restoring our relationship. I sometime think when I reach out to her  that I am making an effort, showing her I still care. I  keep playing in my head over and over, why can't she just come to me and my husband and just say I am sorry for hurting you, I am sorry for all the lies I told. Please forgive me. 
Its then I am reminded by God, she is not there yet, and she may never be. I need to get to a place where I can except that. Its almost like losing a child, how do I do that, How do I, how do we (my husband and 2 other children) move on without her in the picture? Its hard to think of life without her. But I can not put my life on hold for her. I cannot live my life feeling bad all the time, thinking about the what ifs, and how I could have been a better parent. It is true, I have sworn at my child, threw things in my house in a moment of anger, I have cried many tears over the fact I could have always done better. But  I am not sure she will ever forgive me or love me differently knowing I have these feelings. Its been almost a year and she has made no effort to reach out to us. To make a mends. Shes replaced me with someone else who she knows has hurt me so much and from my point of view doesn't care. 
So how do I move on from this situation, how do I become satisfied with the way things are? Just like in the song, this is what I should be doing...

I'm casting my cares aside

I'm leaving my past behind
I'm setting my heart and mind on You
Jesus

I'm reaching my hand to Yours
Believing there's so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good
Is good

Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it

And I wont worry about tomorrow
I'm trusting in what You say
Today is the day

So this song has been in my head this morning at 3 am over and over. I know its God speaking to me. I am scared, but I feel God is just saying, let her go and live for me today. I need to leave all the past behind and move forward and if she wants to catch up then she will.I never imagined I would be in this type of situation. I always thought I had my life under control. I now have come over this last year to realize, I am not in control and nor will I ever be, God is, I just am having a hard time surrendering. I am tired of being sad, depressed and hurt all the time. I want to be renewed so I can feel joy. 

I have often been reminded of the Prodigal son story in the bible. How its a story about God's redemptive Grace and Mercy. His unconditional love and forgiveness. Its about God seeking sinners. 

I want to forgive and have mercy, I want to be forgiven and want mercy...

But what I want maybe not what God wants for me right now. I really don't know. Sometimes I feel so lost as to what to do. So I a continuously seeking Gods wisdom in this situation.

Today is her day!

Today is her day! Today she becomes that young adult she wanted so much to be for so long. Today she is in a new town, new school this year, new life. Today she will celebrate with her other family. Today she will begin a new journey in this big world. 

There's a song that reminds me of Kayla, God makes beautiful things out of dust...by Gungor
God made this beautiful child and allowed me to be the one to speak into her life, to encourage her, to appreciate her, to watch her grow up into a beautiful girl, but most of all God gave me the gift of love. To be able to love my girl even in the midst of trials,  I am reminded even today in my devotion of these things:

You should make friends with the difficulties in your life, even though it may feel wrong to do this. God can fit everything into a pattern for good, but only to the extent that we should trust him. Every difficulty can teach us something, It can transform us into the masterpiece God intended for us to be. I do need to remember that, that very difficulty I am going through can become a stumbling block which can cause me to fall if I do not trust God in ths situation. 

The best way to get through these difficultys is to thank God for them. God may not remove the difficulty but hopefully will help me to see the importancce of being in the word and praying.

So today I celebrate from a far loving her, hoping and praying happiness for her. Today I pray she remembers that God loves her and I love her so much and miss her. Today I will continue to watch her transform into an adult and when I get sad I will think of her smile, her laughter and most of all I will remember God gave her to me. I will always be her mom.

Happy 18th Birthday dear Kayla!